R3D1 LOAD

250 today, which is ok because its within the 2lbs allowed to maintain.
Loading today and back on hCG, starting VLC tomorrow, using protein shakes and fruit in place of meat meals.
I actually love my protein shakes, I feel like I get more variety aswell, because I can add pretty much anything (fruits, & flavors [like cocoa powder]). I have Body Fortress 100% Whey, in vanilla flavor, for one scoop it's 26g of protein. And it's yummy, sweet enough on its own but I add Truvia when I have slightly sour strawberries, or when I make a chocolate shake with my cocoa powder.
I think I might switch out my daily piece of bacon for a tabelspoon of coconut oil, for my fat intake (because the fat seems to soothe my stomach if I feel sick from my vitamins). And it sometimes helps losses.

So I've been thinking about weight loss, and how I seem to be getting addicted to it.
I'm also thinking how easy it seems to be to switch between eating disorders (EDs), like I'm sure at some point (probably still) I have an OED (over-eating disorder).
I'm finding it amazing how I can be going from over-eating to practically eating nothing (compared to most people), without noticing/feeling a difference besides the fact that if I eat too much I get sick.
And I LOVEEEE seeing the numbers on the scale just DROP.
I love knowing that its completely possible that I will be 140lbs lighter in just about a year. (Less if I lose at the rate I'm hoping for - .5-1lb/day)
140 pounds! That's an entire person! (who's probably overweight)
Its the best motivation besides looking at pictures of skinny people and being like, "I am so going to be that skinny". Or at some of them I'm even like wow she's fat, I'm going to be skinnier than her. AND KNOW ITS POSSIBLE. Plus, I'm very excited that unlike so many people, I'm not going to be starving myself to get there.

So I went from fat chick to weight loss addict, and I'm almost afraid I'm never going to be skinny enough to be happy. I feel like I'm always only going to see myself at this weight, or rather, the weight I was before the 23lbs I lost. Hell, I still remember when I was 17 and like 290lbs! I know I will never actually look my real weight, I'll always technically look smaller because I'm built well, but I still just see the numbers.

Part of my obsession for losing weight has to be because of going clothes shopping.
There's nothing in the world (for me) that's worse than going to a store and trying on EVERYTHING that looks even close to decent, only to find out nothing in the store will even go on (pants-wise), or that my leg's going to get stuck right after I get my calf through the thigh part of the pant leg, even though the waist would fit fine.
There's nothing more depressing than having to cry in a dressing room because you can't fit into anything and you never will.
Hell, heartbreak is easier to go through. At least heartbreak is normal.


Anyways those are my thoughts for today.
I feel like no-one thinks to remember that being fat is a disease and over-eating is a disorder.
Eating disorders aren't just for skinny people, and they don't all mean you're starving yourself to death. You can also eat yourself to death.
Luckily for me, food wasn't my only addiction and fat wasn't my only problem.
And disorders and addictions just rotate to fit your brains way of thinking; when you're fat you want to be skinny, but think you never will be so you eat more out of depression and hopelessness; when you're skinny you think you should be skinnier so you eat less and less or nothing at all.
There was always something underlying that made you that way in the first place. Abuse, depression, addiction, and striving for perfection due to those factors, because all make you feel hopeless, unwanted, and ugly.


We're all in it together and we should all support each other.


Will update tomorrow on how my load day went, and I will be very happy to get back to 500cals/day!
I feel like I've been stuffing myself all week to maintain my weight at 249.
I am starting to hate food. Everything I eat feels too dense and like it just sits around in my stomach like a blob. Like I ate too much, even though my meals are now to like 300-400 cals, which is normal for a 1200cal/day diet.