So Tired Of this Sh*&^

I feel... like a FaiLuRe. A FATass FAILURE.
I can't stand myself right now. January has been a total bust. On everything. On everything I want. Nothing helps. I just want to eat CRAP. Not even stuff I would normally eat daily when NOT dieting. Just that complete POISON that floats around everywhere full of corn and corn byproducts. Junk food. Carbs. *sigh* I just can't get my head in the game and it's making me want to give up. Lately I've been saying, "Forget it I'll just be fat forever." Which is stupid. I know how to get the weight off but for some reason fucking CHEETOS and crap are calling me.
You know I hadn't eaten Cheetos in over a year...Over two years even, since I saw "Food Inc." the movie/documentary, so that's probably right around when my son was born in '09.
I just feel like a fatass failure that's never going to amount to anything or get even into ONEderland. It's 44...ok 46.5lbs now, away and I can't even imagine ever getting there. A few months ago I would have been like "Yeah? 46lbs? NO PROBLEM, I'll be there in two months!" Now I'm like, "Ehh, fuck it, I'm just going to stay fat forever." I've given up on everything, I was seriously contemplating marriage and another baby like yesterday and the day before. That's great for some people, but not for me. I don't want to ever get married until I'm in that old people "head over heels" love with gray hair and wine on a rocking chair/porch swing. And as for kids, well one's enough for me until my son can change diapers and keep the little one out of trouble, not to mention babysit. I'm not the marriage type, I want to live. And not vicariously through others. But there I was, thinking about it at least. And that's fine, maybe I will get married and have another baby, but not right at this second, I told myself I would not get pregnant again until I am skinny, so that means if I stay fat I'll never have another kid, ever. EndofStory. *sigh*
So that's obviously not my problem, my problem is that I can't stop eating shit and I've given up on living. Lol. As in I'm having a dieting breakdown and I feel like if I don't lose this weight I'm going to die. If I listened to Dr. Oz I would probably believe that actually. But Dr. Oz is a fucking nincompoop and so it every other TV doctor paid by Oprah and Dr. Phil. (Yes, I read the credits after the shows Dr. McGraw and son.)
I hate how people say (when I tell them I've lost weight), "Aww, that's good so you're trying to get healthy...." NO MOTHERFUCKER, I'M NOT. I'M ALREADY FUCKING HEALTHY. I'm a VAIN BITCH AND I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A FUCKING ROCKSTAR! That's why I'm losing weight. Because my entire life I've been told "Aww you'd be so pretty if you lost weight." I've finally given in and decided to do it just to rub it in their faces and flaunt my new boobs (which I will buy afterwards) in their faces! With my wonderful Arizona tan that I will go outside and get when I have to body to show that much skin like those hookers at my pool did this past summer. No more fucking "tankini's" for me!
So all that sounds terrific, right? Now all I need to do is get my head in the game and follow through, right? Yeah, well, that would work out stupendously IF I could keep my hands out of the cookie jar, the pasta cupboard, the grocery store.
Life would be so much easier if I had an anti-eating disorder instead of an over-eating disorder. I envy those skinny bitches (the term "bitches" I use lovingly, so it's not mean) and their ability to either avoid food or throw it up, or chew it up and spit it out. If it was that easy for me I would have been done with this diet like ...October or December when I was supposed to be!
If I could just stay on track through summer last year I would have been done. And now I can't get back on track, I can't avoid pasta and pastries. Even though I never really normally ate any of that shit in the first place!
I don't know what to do with myself. I just keep stuffing my face. It's not like my "hubby" helps at all he always says he will be he never stops me when I start shoving cookies in my mouth, he just gives me "the look", his look that tells me I know I'm doing something I shouldn't. But he never opens his mouth and in my mouth the food goes, down into my esophagus to sit on top of all the other crap I've secretly scarfed down that day. Today it was Lindt Lindor truffles, hamburgers, Chinese food, milk and cookies. and I'm sure I'll find something else before bed because I won't stop myself. Not today. I'm counting it as "Loading" and I'll bet every day until I get some strawberries and cocoa powder (for my protein shakes) will be counted as "Loading". Then I have to severely reduce and restrict my calories to 2 protein shakes per day. Not because I get hungry and cheat, but because I see food and EAT! I've never been hungry on hCG not even once (except that bout with HhCG), no I've never been hungry, I'm just a food addict that has to be in complete control or else I spiral into oblivion of nasty foods that hurt my teeth - I seriously cannot eat sugary foods at all without getting a toothache, I don't normally eat sweets! So I have to do at least one full week of nothing but 2-3 protein shakes per day with a handful of  strawberries or tbs of cocoa powder in each and a piece of bacon in the breakfast (so I can take a vitamin because you have to have some fat or else vitamins will make you sick with protein shakes). In this way I can lose up to 20lbs the first week, I don't have to worry about my calories or water intake and it gets me used to not cheating because I know exactly what I'm allowed and when to eat etc. etc... Like I said I have to be in complete control to get anywhere in the dieting world no matter what sort of plan I'm following (although this is the only one that has ever worked, when I follow the rules!).

Sorry about my rant, I'm feeling kind of hopeless and needed to let it out here.

And for the record. 114lbs is my goal and I WILL MAKE IT!!!!!
FUCK YOU HATERS! Get over it and don't both pretending to "worry" about me. Worry about your fat ass needing to jump on the treadmill for eating a fucking cookie and your ass jiggling while you do it! Sorry if that's mean but everyone should be supported in their journey no matter what their goal is!
Stay strong my skinnies!!!
And if you have any restriction tips or dieting tips or anything, please help!
Maybe just a brush up of the usual, avoid food and chew on ice and drink cold water